We’ve had an odd relationship in this space with Bill Simmons’ NBA writing over the past few years. In fact, i thought that he’d received so much attention here that I went out of my way not to discuss his book (the highest profile NBA book ever?) despite having two or three podcast episodes worth of responses to it.
Right now I’m angry at The Sports Guy. My 9 month old son went on a sleep strike yesterday that by 6pm threatened my wife’s hold on reality and so I had to be Superdad from the minute I got home until late at night, leaving no time for me to write the “I hate Lebron’s TV Special” piece that was fomenting in my head all day. And then Bill Simmons made about half of the points I was going to make in his own Lebron column. This is the eternal conflict between the hobbyist and the guy who writes sports for a living. This is the life we’ve chosen.
(BTW, based on he amount of crying and tantrums my son either had terrible indigestion from the latest foods we’ve added to his roster or he is going to grow five inches and eight teeth by the weekend. I’ll keep you posted.)
Here is the big point from Simmons’ article that I very much wanted to address on my own but didn’t because I suck:
Losing LeBron on a contrived one-hour show would be worse than Byner’s fumble, Jose Mesa, the Game 5 meltdown against Boston, The Drive, The Shot and everything else. At least those stomach-punch moments weren’t preordained, unless you believe God hates Cleveland (entirely possible, by the way). This stomach-punch moment? Calculated. By a local kid they loved, defended and revered.
It would be unforgivable. Repeat: unforgivable.
To further Simmons’ point, I actually believe that even the dopiest members of his entourage must know that spurning Cleveland on TV would ruin his image forever. He could win a handful of titles and that stink of being an insensitive dick would never come off.
Thus I predict he stays, making this TV special a lame exercise in self-congratulation for his loyalty that won’t be worth any of our time. There will be footage of Akron, photos of Lebron as a kid, interviews with old friends, the whole deal. The topper will be the soft-focus footage of Lebron interacting with a multi-ethnic mix of Boys and Girls Club kids from difficult home/economic circumstances that mirror his own humble origin, thus reminding Lebron (and the rest of us) of the commitment that he must make to the community of Akron. It will be a legitimately noble sentiment that will be poorly delivered and make you roll your eyes.
That sounds dreadful. I’ll wait for the internet to blow up 5 seconds after the announcement in minute 57 that confirms he will stay in Cleveland, thank you very much.
I disregard this upcoming TV “event” so much that I’ve even come up with a few of my own alternate derogatory “Le . . .” names for it in hopes that one will catch on and be used for years when we remember the stupidest media moment in sports history:
LeAmestock
LePatOnMyOwnBack
LeHandJob
That last one is a longshot that will probably need a boost from Deadspin to gain traction. Nonetheless . . .
He has to stay in Cleveland. He just has to. David Stern or Nike simply would not let Lebron ruin his brand name (and their own bottom lines) by doing this to the city of Cleveland on TV. Even if leaving was the plan within James’ circle when the decision was made to do the TV special, it couldn’t be now. The general idea of the TV special is so dumb that Stern or Nike couldn’t have known about it in advance, but once they found out about it they would all but order him to stay in Cleveland.
The Miami rumors have to be a last ditch effort to create drama in minute 56 of the special, otherwise I really do fear for Lebron’s sanity, his legacy, and his very soul. I’m a Knick fan and I would love to have heard the news leak at some point this summer that he is going to New York. Obviously. But now I don’t want him. At this point it I will but upset if he is a Knick, which hurts because I love the Knicks so much that I still remember where I was when I heard about the Derrick Harper trade, I still lament Tim Mccormick never proved to be a reliable backup to Patrick Ewing, and I once even rationalized the signing of Lee Nailon. I love that stupid team. I freaking love them.
I started rooting for the choice to be Cleveland the second i heard about the TV special. If he goes anywhere else then he forever becomes the avatar for the disappearance of the middle class, for the notion that you get the hell out of places like Cleveland as soon as you can because American prosperity doesn’t live there anymore since the jobs that once defined the “Rust Belt” all went to China and all we make anymore in this country is reality TV, gonzo-porn, and hedge-fund-billionaire-douchebags.
That’s right, kids, Ken Drews just said what we’re all thinking: if Lebron bolts Cleveland then the erosion of the American Dream is all Maverick Carter’s fault.
