FreeDarko Presents: The Disciples Of Clyde NBA Podcast

Okay, DOC Nation, the lottery is a memory, the Draft Combine is history, the Reebok Euro-Camp is winding down, the team workouts have begun, and that show The Nanny has been off the air for over a decade.  It’s time for the world’s most uniformed mock draft.

(Please check back to this website soon to hear the next episode of the world’s most uninformed podcast. )

1. LA Clippers – Blake Griffin

I haven’t watched more than two minutes of college basketball in years, none of which included Blake Griffin. Nonetheless, if the Clippers pass on Griffin I will freak the hell out.

2. Memphis Grizzlies – Ricky Rubio

How the hell could they even CONSIDER passing on Rubio like I hear they might be through third-hand anonymous sources?

I wasn’t awake to watch that one relatively impressive half of basketball that he played against a jet-lagged United States team in the Olympics ten months ago, but I do vaguely recall a sentence in a Ric Bucher article or something that said Rubio might be a good NBA player. Sheesh . . . I’m so much smarter than Chris Wallace.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder – James Harden

I normally respect Sam Presti and his giant pulsating brain, but he will make the greatest mistake of his career by drafting Harden. Sure, shooting guard is a glaring need for an otherwise promising team, but I heard from a guy who knows a guy who dated a girl who read on a blog that Harden is such a bad athlete that he entered a 3 km race with a rabbit and only won because the rabbit was so confident of winning that he decided to take a nap midway through the course.

Further, I hear that the slothful James Harden has not legs but a gelatinous mass of flesh not unlike a slug that leaves a trail of greasy discharge when he runs the court on a fast break.

4. Sacramento Kings – Jrue Holiday

The multi-talented Holiday was in the top 10 of Chad Ford’s Big Board before the season began and remains there, despite a middling freshman season, because Chad Ford is an inexperienced user of Microsoft Excel and does not yet know how to move an entire row without screwing up the formatting of his entire document.

5. Washington Wizards – Jordan Hill

The word in the white noises is that you should expect the Wizards to trade this pick for a veteran because having young power forwards on your team who can rebound and defend is so gay.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves – Johnny Flynn

Rookie GM David Kahn knows as well as I do that the team desperately needs someone that Bassy Telfair can work on his post game against in practice.

7. Golden State Warriors – Earl Clark

Don Nelson gets sexual gratification by drafting talented forwards in the lottery and then not playing and/or insulting them through the media and/or trading them for nothing. Clark’s lack of a jump shot should get that process in motion by the conclusion of his third summer league game.

And Clark’s troubled background suggests that his reaction to Nelson’s abuse should be particularly damaging to both himself and the entire franchise, making him perhaps the best fit in the entire draft.

8. New York Knicks – Stephen Curry

Donnie Walsh keeps things close to the vest, but word has it that he is willing to base his decision entirely on a democratic vote amongst Knicks Fix commenters.

(Seriously, don’t turn your back on the “Fixers” for a second. Newsday’s Alan Hahn, amongst the best beat writers in any sport, has a Jim Jones thing happening with his blog readers and if he ever goes two days without a post those people are going to burn New York City to the ground.)

9. Toronto Raptors – Hasheem Thabeet

Brian Colangolo continues a summer tradition like no other of acquiring players that will compensate for missing pieces of Chris Bosh’s game. This year the missing piece is . . . defense.

Thank you all for playing and we’ll see you again next year.

10. Milwaukee Bucks – Tyreke Evans

Bucks management will be thrilled at the opportunity to replace the departing Ramon Sessions with someone who is 1/10^th the player but will only make 1/2 of the salary that Sessions will command in restricted free agency. Well played, sirs.

11. New Jersey Nets – Dajuan Blair

Rod Thorn quietly continues a pattern of drafting productive college players with NBA bodies and skills that compliment the other young players on his team.

Of course, nobody gives a shit because they play in a swamp in New Jersey.

12. Charlotte Bobcats – Austin Daye

I know a guy who knows a guy who dated a girl who read on a blog that Larry Brown’s urologist told a Charlotte area cab driver that Brown is quietly pushing for Michael Jordan to draft the project forward out of Gonzaga despite no apparent need for such a player. Brown’s plan is to never play Daye and then deny suggesting that he be drafted, thus embarrassing Michael Jordan and making Brown the first coach in NBA history to get his owner fired.

13. Indiana Pacers – James Johnson

The talented but incomplete forward is a good gamble at this point because he can slide in between Danny Granger and Roy Hibbert on an intriguing front line. There’s no joke there, I honestly think that.

14. Phoenix Suns – Brandon Jennings

For the second year in a row the Suns will have to draft for need as a result of selling several year’s worth of draft picks. Nonetheless, it is a good value pick for this late in the draft.

And as an added bonus, Jennings and Goran Dragic will one day be quite entertaining as the easiest backcourt to beat up in NBA history.

15. Detroit Pistons – BJ Mullins

Joe Dumars has the luxury of drafting an exciting project at a point when there are no surefire rotation players available.

In celebration of the savvy draft pick the entire city of Detroit will get its act together and begin an economic renaissance by opening a factory that mass-produces low priced electric cars that get 300 horsepower. Detroit mayor Dave Bing’s leadership will be so well respected around the world that he will one day achieve historical significance as America’s first black president . . . who doesn’t appear to be good at basketball only because people are afraid to guard him.

I never thought I’d live to see the day, friends.

16- Chicago Bulls – Gerald Henderson

Drafting Henderson will compel the Bulls not to resign Ben Gordon and instead use the money on an extension to the contract extension that Luol Deng already signed last summer because one of these years he is going to play 50 games and you’ll all be sorry you made fun of that old looking guy who claims to be John Paxson.

17. Philadelphia Sixers – Ty Lawson

Those ungrateful sons of bitches are going to get one of the best values in the draft who fits their team absolutely freaking perfectly. Lawson is simply too slight of frame to warrant a lottery pick, but this late in the draft the Sixers will take a flier on him and stumble upon the perfect guy to run their fast break. I hope that the entire city of Philadelphia gets a cold sore.

19. Minnesota Timberwolves – Gani Lawal

The perfect bench guy for when the Wolves when they need to match up with a small-ball team. Every good team is going to need two athletic combo forwards like Lawal to combat every team that copies the Orlando Magic. For that reason Lawal prepared for the draft by learning to insult an opponent’s mother in Turkish.

(FYI, if Gana Lawal ever says “ananin aminda sampanya patlatak” to you then you should punch him in the face.)

20. Utah Jazz – Tyler Hansbrough

Hansbrough was the talk of the NBA Combine after posting the highest score ever on the Pigmentation Test, which had him shooting up draft every board from Park City to Provo. Hansbrough also impressed the Jazz coaching staff in his interview with impressive answers to the questions “Are you Morris Almond” and “Are You John Amechi?”

21. New Orleans Hornets – Omri Casspi

The disintegrating infrastructure in New Orleans made Casspi the obvious pick because in a lawless city it never hurts to have a guy around who was trained as a child to use a machine gun.

22. Dallas Mavericks – Chase Budinger

Mark Cuban’s first instinct might be to bring in a physical big man who can protect him from Kenyon Martin’s mom. In the end, however, Dallas will opt for a finesse player as the Arizona product could combine with Dirk Nowitzki to space the floor just like the Orlando Magic.

But don’t sleep on a possible trade of Budinger to the Jazz, who were beside themselves at the NBA Combine after seeing his perfect score on the “Name that Song by the Dave Matthews Band” test.

23. Sacramento Kings – Jeff Teague

The most talented point guard left on the board is a value pick for the Kings, who could all of a sudden have a very talented guard rotation with Jrue Holiday and Teague to go with Kevin Martin. Plus, Teague’s presence on the roster might push Beno Udrih to get his act together and take his game to new heights of . . . never mind.

24. Portland Trailblazers – AJ Price

Another year, another point guard.

Actually, expect Kevin Pritchard to trade this pick for multiple future picks as part of his plan to acquire all 60 picks in the 2013 draft.

25. Oklahoma City — Terrance Williams

Williams is described on every draft website as being “tough”, which is NBA draft-speak for “scares white people”. I’m in favor of that because the Thunder play the Jazz four times a year and you never know where the Birdman is going to sign in the off-season.

Is Williams a can’t miss prospect? No. His deep shooting isn’t ideal for spacing the floor in the modern NBA, but he has every other attribute to be a valuable role-playing shooting guard off the bench. When he plays, Williams and Russell Westbrook will be a great defensive backcourt by the end of next year.

By the end of the following year Sam Presti’s giant pulsating brain will break free from the confines of his skull and leave him vulnerable to infections until he starts wearing a hermetically sealed black helmet and matching cape.

26. Chicago Bulls — DeJuan Summers

The Bulls will continue their habit of stockpiling decent college players and then never trading any of them for a superstar even though opportunity after opportunity stares them in John Paxson’s pale, wrinkled face. Summers won’t play during the first year but he can look forward to not playing in his second or third year, either.

27. Memphis Grizzlies – Eric Maynor

They traded Kyle Lowry for a guy whom they hope, with some nurturing, has the chance to be as good as Kyle Lowry. Nice.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves – Dionte Christmas

A productive day for the Wolves will conclude with a shooter to play alongside Randy Foye. It is possible that the Utah Jazz, also in need of scoring at shooting guard, will trade back into the first round to make this pick even though they would prefer to have a white Christmas.

(FYI, I’m really sorry about that “White Christmas” joke. I actually have a doctor’s note stating that I am physically incapable of not telling a joke that dumb after I think of it.)

(FYI, I had to obtain that doctor’s note after my wife became angry that I make the same “and now they’re gonna f**k . . .” joke at the awkward conclusion to every single program on HGTV. It’s not even a joke anymore. It has reached the point that I am now honestly convinced that the annoying designer, the annoying carpenter who assists her and the annoying couple that had their bathroom re-done routinely participate in a full-scale bondage orgy as soon as the cameras are turned off.)

(Anyway . . .)

29. Los Angeles Lakers – Patrick Mills

Mills should do well in LA as a reserve as long as he doesn’t get too freaked out by Kobe’s new “mean face”.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers – Sam Young

A tough swing forward like Young would have helped in the playoffs this year. Of course, Lebron James may want the Cavs to trade this pick for the last year of his life back.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 9th, 2009 at 12:02 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.